Meat Cupcakes
An exercise in the creative use of meat

Regular cupcakes are cool, but meat cupcakes are far cooler. The following recipe is adapted from a meatloaf recipe entitled "Pizza Beef Loaf". Hot damn. Other meatloaf recipes would likely yield similarly spectacular results.

Ingredients:
  • 1½ lb ground beef
  • ¾ cup crushed saltine crackers (~20 crackers)
  • 1 medium onion, chopped
  • ½ can olives, sliced
  • 1 egg, slightly beaten
  • 1 can (8oz) tomato sauce
  • ½ tsp salt
  • ½ tsp sage
  • ½ tsp oregano
  • ¼ tsp garlic powder
Toppings:
  • Ketchup
  • Cheese, shredded (Mozzarella, Monterey Jack, Jalapeño Jack, whatever...)
  • Bacon bits, tiny chopped olives, or whatever suits your fancy
Other crap:
  • Muffin tins. Preferably tiny.
  • Muffin cups. Paper cups soak through with grease to yield a pleasing, sausage-like wrapper. Aluminum cups do not soak through but do look shiny
  • Candles. Honestly, even if you have no candle-worthy occasion, candles make the whole thing infinitely cooler.
Procedure:
  1. Preheat oven to 350°
  2. Mix ingredients lightly, but thoroughly, in a sufficiently-sized bowl. Do not mix in toppings; this is why they are toppings.
  3. Place muffin cups into tins.
  4. Spoon meat mixture into muffin cups. Remember, meat doesn't rise, so if you want a nice dome to your muffins, you need to sculpt it out beforehand.
  5. Place muffin tins into oven and cook for 20 minutes, or until a nice, meaty brown.
  6. Remove muffins from oven.
  7. Baste muffin caps with ketchup, then cover in shredded cheese.
  8. Place muffin tins back into oven for a few minutes to melt cheese.
  9. Remove muffins from oven again.
  10. Add any final toppings such as bacon bits or tiny, chopped olives.
  11. Add candles for extra enjoyment. Light. Blow. Inhale smoke. Smile.
  12. Eat and enjoy, preferably in conjunction with a cold High Life, Colt 45, or cheap Wine Cooler.
Potential Hazards:
  • Meat can be very unpredicatable; be careful when mixing ingredients and spooning so as to not accidentally drop some of the precious mixture on the floor.
  • Cheese graters can be very unpredicatable; be careful not to grate your fingers and thumbs. Bleeding may result (see "Shredded Thumb" picture in visual chronology).
  • Freshly cooked meat cupcakes are very hot. Fight the urge to pop cupcakes into your mouth before they cool; your mouth will be burned and you will be angry. If you do burn your mouth, soak it in ice-cold High Life or Colt 45.
  • Raw meat looks enticing and delectable, but will likely give you horrible stomach cramps or worms if you consume it. If you insist on ingesting raw meat, it would be advisable to do so along with copious amounts of High Life, Colt 45, or whiskey.
  • Meat cupcakes should be consumed in moderation. Overconsumption of meat may leave you in a meat-induced, euphoric stupor (see "Meat Stupor" picture in Visual Chronolgy).
Links: Visual chronology: